{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\deff0{\fonttbl{\f0\fswiss\fprq2\fcharset0 Arial;}} {\colortbl ;\red0\green0\blue0;} \viewkind4\uc1\pard\cf1\lang1033\f0\fs32\tab\tab\tab\tab FAMILY OF ORIGIN, Roger Fritz, page 2\par \tab\par \tab\tab TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS\par \par \tab\tab The major project I did when I went home for Christmas \par \par \tab this year was to draw out seven generations of our family \par \par \tab tree on a piece of paper, and then I interviewed Mom and Dad \par \par \tab (separately, because they won't talk frankly in each other's \par \par \tab presence) and my sisters about each of the twenty relationships \par \par \tab on the piece of paper that they knew something about. I told \par \par \tab them I was doing homework. "What was Uncle Don and Aunt Edna's \par \par \tab relationship like?" "What was Uncle Joe and Aunt Patty's \par \par \tab relationship like?" Etc. \par \par \tab\tab The homework made a wonderful excuse. My father was eager \par \par \tab to talk about the family gossip. Mom didn't much like me poking \par \par \tab about in the family secrets. Both sides of my family have a \par \par \tab murderer in the family tree, and many of the men I asked about \par \par \tab had extra-marital relationships. Uncle Don, for example, had \par \par \tab a girlfriend in Laramie the whole time he was married to Aunt \par \par \tab Edna and living in Cheyenne. One of the few times in her life \par \par \tab Aunt Edna saw Uncle Don cry was at his mistress' funeral.\par \par \tab\tab Then I classified the relationships (slightly arbitrarily, \par \par \tab and by that I mean to say that I could be argued with) into \par \par \tab categories. \par \par \tab\tab 45% fell into the Domineering/Submissive category where it \par \par \tab was the woman who was domineering and the man who was \par \par \tab submissive. \par \par \tab\tab 30% fell into the Domineering/Submissive category where it \par \par \tab was the man who was domineering and the woman who was \par \par \tab submissive. \par \par \tab\tab 10% fell into the category of Combative, where both people \par \par \tab were domineering. \par \par \tab\tab And 15% fell into the category of Friendly, where neither \par \par \tab one was domineering. \par \par \tab\tab Or to put it another way, 15% were Friendly and 85% were \par \par \tab Unfriendly. This is not a pleasant family record. But having \par \par \tab grown up in this family and heard the stories all my life, it \par \par \tab also doesn't surprise me. \par \par \tab\tab The stories tend to be of this kind: Uncle Walt drove up \par \par \tab from Texas and kidnapped his kids from his ex-wife, Aunt Linda, \par \par \tab and drove back down to Texas with them. So Aunt Linda comes \par \par \tab to Uncle Don in the middle of the night, all upset, and they \par \par \tab get together a three-car expedition to drive down to Texas \par \par \tab and kidnap the kids back.\par \par \tab\tab What this all means to me is that it's utterly essential \par \par \tab that a man and a woman accept each other as they are, or \par \par \tab there's no chance for a relationship characterized by affection, \par \par \tab understanding, support and communication. If either one regards \par \par \tab the other as a "fixer-upper," that's a recipe for a relationship \par \par \tab characterized by criticism, bickering, pushiness, demanding, \par \par \tab hurt feelings, contempt, withdrawal and ultimately leading \par \par \tab parallel lives. The odd paradox is that if two people accept \par \par \tab each other as they are, this leaves room for growth and change. \par \par \tab If there's criticism in the relationship, heels get dug in, and \par \par \tab there's resistance and refusal to change.\par \par \par \par \tab\tab FAMILY MYTHS AND PATTERNS\par \par \tab\tab My family pattern is to have relationships characterized \par \par \tab by lack of acceptance: criticism, bitterness, withdrawal, \par \par \tab passive aggression and frustration. My extended family are \par \par \tab mostly blue-collar workers whose private lives are structured \par \par \tab by melodrama. My Uncle Conley put it well one day when I was \par \par \tab riding with him in a pickup in Idaho, when I was twelve: "The \par \par \tab pattern in this family is that the men fall in love with the \par \par \tab women, and the women love them back and everything is \par \par \tab wonderful. Until the children are born, and then the woman's \par \par \tab attention switches to the children. The man hangs around, \par \par \tab hoping that after the children are grown and have left home, \par \par \tab the love will come back to him. But the kids leave home, and \par \par \tab instead of her attention switching back to him, it goes to the \par \par \tab grandkids. He realizes he's never going to get loved again. \par \par \tab Different men do different things. What I did was become an \par \par \tab alcoholic."\par \par \tab\tab One of the myths of my family is that both my grandmothers \par \par \tab came west in covered wagons. Only two generations before me.\par \par \tab\tab Another is that one of my grandmothers met Butch Casssidy \par \par \tab when she was a kid. He and his gang stopped at the ranch for \par \par \tab dinner, and were fed without anyone asking their names. When \par \par \tab my grandmother picked up the plates after the men had gone, she \par \par \tab found a tweny-dollar gold piece under each plate.\par \par \tab\tab My father's father, Ed, is one of the mythical figures \par \par \tab on this family tree. Me was an orphan, and came out west to \par \par \tab Wyoming when he was 19 to work on a ranch. He was hit by a \par \par \tab stray bullet during a fight with the neighboring ranch over \par \par \tab a windmill. The bullet went right through the fleshy tip of \par \par \tab his heart, and he was nearly killed. The doctors gave him two \par \par \tab years to live, so he went out and got a job on a ranch as a \par \par \tab cowboy, and then worked as a stoker for a locomotive, doing the \par \par \tab things he wanted to do before he died. He lived to be 63, and \par \par \tab he left behind three children and a wife when a series of \par \par \tab strokes finally killed him.\par \par \tab\tab The family myth is a family version of the cowboy myth: \par \par \tab the clever stranger who can fix anything, has a dry sense of \par \par \tab humor, says little, notices much, never complains, survives \par \par \tab everything and doesn't brag about it. My family's version is \par \par \tab scratching out a living against all odds, while the men and the \par \par \tab women cooperate to survive but don't like each other. Why \par \par \tab they don't like each other goes back to an incident before \par \par \tab the Civil War.\par \par \tab\tab The most powerful of the family myths comes down from my \par \par \tab great, great grandfather, Hiram Harris. Hiram was a successful \par \par \tab farmer on the frontier in the mid-1800's, when the frontier \par \par \tab was in Indiana. He had four children. One was a daughter named \par \par \tab Sarah. The other three all came down with high fevers. Two \par \par \tab of them died, and Hiram's son lived but was retarded. One day \par \par \tab when his son was nine, Hiram took him along on a trip to town. \par \par \tab While he was in the blacksmith shop, a stranger came in and \par \par \tab said, "Isn't that curious, that big kid out there playing with \par \par \tab those little kids like he was one of them?" Something in Hiram \par \par \tab snapped. He picked up an ax-handle and swung around and hit \par \par \tab the stranger in the head with it. He was dead before he hit \par \par \tab the floor.\par \par \tab\tab In order to stay out of court, Hiram had to give both his \par \par \tab farms to the family of the man he'd killed, and in addition he \par \par \tab had to leave the area and never come back. The Civil War was \par \par \tab just starting, so he joined up on the side of the North. He \par \par \tab was made a sergeant because he was older, and he rode a horse \par \par \tab through the whole of Sherman's march through the South. He \par \par \tab was uninjured till the last battle of the war, which took place \par \par \tab three days after it had actually ended, due to slow \par \par \tab communications. Hiram was hit in the knee by a mini-ball.\par \par \tab\tab Evidently he wasn't badly injured, because he married \par \par \tab a 30-year-old woman after the war and raised a second family. \par \par \tab So many women died in childbirth in those days that it was \par \par \tab common for older men to marry younger women. The only \par \par \tab time he went back to Indiana was to divorce his first wife, \par \par \tab (my great, great grandmother) so he could marry his second wife.\par \par \tab\tab The effect of all this on Hiram's daughter Sarah was that \par \par \tab she hated men. She passed that dislike down to her daughter, \par \par \tab my Grandma Mary, and all the boys in the family knew Grandma \par \par \tab Mary didn't like boys. Of course Grandma married a man who \par \par \tab didn't like women (Ed, the fellow who was shot through the \par \par \tab heart), since like attracts like. And the result is a family \par \par \tab tree where 85% of the time, the men and women don't like each \par \par \tab other. Aunt Norma tracked the other branch of our family, \par \par \tab Hiram's second family, and in that branch men and women get \par \par \tab along well.\par \par \tab\tab My father, Dale's personal myth is that he was a poor \par \par \tab kid on a farm in Wyoming, and had to work incredibly hard. \par \par \tab Farm kids were regarded as the lowest class by the townie kids. \par \par \tab At the age of 77, it still bothers my father that he was never \par \par \tab invited to a party by any of the townies when he was a kid. \par \par \tab A sense of low personal worth haunts him still. He regards \par \par \tab life as something to be endured. He doesn't ask for what he \par \par \tab wants, or communicate openly, or negotiate for mutual interest.\par \par \tab He carries grudges nonetheless over not getting what he wants, \par \par \tab and he mourns for what could have been. He wants to be loved, \par \par \tab but has given up on it as an impossible dream. He hopes for \par \par \tab better for me.\par \par \tab\tab My mother, Muriel's personal myth is that her mom and dad \par \par \tab lost their ranch in Colorado in the crash of '29, and her dad \par \par \tab took a job. He started drinking, and his wife was going to \par \par \tab leave him, but then she discovered she was pregnant with my mom. \par \par \tab She stayed, and Mom feels her mom resented her. She was told as \par \par \tab she grew up that she was an unwanted child. They were a large \par \par \tab family, but the kids grew up in isolation on the ranch, and \par \par \tab socialized poorly. They tended to be bossy. My mom tended to \par \par \tab fight with her mom, criticizing what her mom did to provoke \par \par \tab anger, and thereby feeling righteous. Which is second best \par \par \tab (as we all know) to feeling loved. The first time her dad \par \par \tab ever kissed her was when my mom was in college.\par \par \tab\tab How this all affects me now is that I'm 52 and I have \par \par \tab yet to find an ongoing relationship with a woman. I am \par \par \tab well-equipped to relate to women as sisters, but I'm not \par \par \tab well-equipped to relate to a woman as lover and mate. \par \par \tab\tab My personal myth began with my earliest memory. Our \par \par \tab family was moving from Powell, Wyoming, to Cheyenne, from one \par \par \tab corner of the state to the opposite. Dad had gone on ahead \par \par \tab with a truck. Mom was following with my sisters and me in a \par \par \tab car. Late on a moonlit night, on the snow-covered prairie, we \par \par \tab had a flat tire. We had no spare, so Mom told me she was going \par \par \tab to walk back to a filling station a half mile back and get help. \par \par \tab "Take care of your sisters," she said, and walked away into the \par \par \tab darkness. I was left with a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old, and \par \par \tab I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of protecting them \par \par \tab from unknown dangers. Ever since I have more than believed, \par \par \tab I have FELT that life is full of unseen dangers. My struggle \par \par \tab is to develop self-confidence, a sense of mastery. My mission \par \par \tab is to learn to live without living in anxiety.\par \par \tab\tab In one sense all of this is a strength to me \par \par \tab as a counselor. I am sensitive to the process of a relationship \par \par \tab going bad: slipping from disagreeing about differences to \par \par \tab contracting into black-and-white thinking to defensiveness to \par \par \tab anger to withdrawal. I am alert to the corrosive power of \par \par \tab criticism and contempt. I have seen it "writ large" across \par \par \tab my extended family.\par \par \tab\tab What I might need to understand better about myself is \par \par \tab the ways in which I carry forward the family patterns, like \par \par \tab undeveloped negatives in my darkroom. I have done a lot of \par \par \tab personal work to change these patterns, and about three years \par \par \tab ago I finished my work with my mother. Until then, every \par \par \tab woman I'd been attracted to was the same personality type as \par \par \tab my mother. Now I'm attracted to a variety of types, so some \par \par \tab significant piece of work was completed there. But there \par \par \tab are always subtler levels of any issue, and I am still carrying \par \par \tab subtle imprints of my family tendencies. The negative ones \par \par \tab I want to continue to scrub out.\par \par \tab\tab The main one I notice now is that I begin to contract \par \par \tab into reaction when I feel I'm in danger of being called stupid. \par \par \tab That's the actual trigger for feeling attacked and humiliated. \par \par \tab When I was a kid, stupid was the worst thing you could be \par \par \tab called. To put it positively, you could say that my family \par \par \tab highly values intelligence. To put it negatively, they made \par \par \tab the word "stupid" into a curse word, the primal and primary \par \par \tab curse word. Among grown-ups in my family culture, curses \par \par \tab generally begin, "You stupid...."\par \par \tab\tab My family of origin currently effects me powerfully. \par \par \tab These are the only people on the planet who have loved me all \par \par \tab my life, and I'm grateful that they're still alive so we can \par \par \tab get together for Christmas. The effects are mostly positive. \par \par \tab I feel loved and accepted as I am. I feel encouraged and \par \par \tab inspired to do better. There's also considerable innate \par \par \tab challenge. I'm a different religion from the rest of my \par \par \tab family. And I'm a different philosophy: I believe in talking \par \par \tab about things openly. But the unconditional love is far larger \par \par \tab than any differences. The negative influences are a chronic \par \par \tab low self-esteem and mistrust of the opposite sex, but these \par \par \tab things are just social attitudes, and they can be overcome.\par \par \tab\tab One powerful myth in my family is religion. I was born \par \par \tab into a family who all believed in God, and it never occurred \par \par \tab to me to wonder whether or not God exists. Even now, my \par \par \tab family and I don't argue about the significance of God to \par \par \tab our lives, but over which religion is the best. And even \par \par \tab there, we've agreed to disagree.\par \par \tab\tab One powerful influence that I'm glad doesn't run in my \par \par \tab family is alcoholism. \par \par \tab\tab Perhaps the most powerful myth in my family is the one \par \par \tab least examined, because we're in it like fish in water: the \par \par \tab cowboy myth. A man is as good as his word. Be helpful to \par \par \tab everyone, family or strangers. Don't get too attached to \par \par \tab stuff, since, "pshaw, son, life ain't permanent." You need \par \par \tab something like a compass or a guide star to steer your life \par \par \tab on. Know yourself. No complaining. Be a man. Be a woman. \par \par \tab Stand up.\par \par \tab\tab\par \par \tab\tab GENOGRAM\par \par \tab\tab The genogram that follows is a stripped-down version \par \par \tab of seven generations of my family. I come from such a large \par \par \tab family that you couldn't get even three generations on one \par \par \tab sheet of paper, so I've picked out what's of interest. I \par \par \tab only name those who are mentioned in the paper.\par \par \tab\tab You'll notice from the chart that I have two living \par \par \tab sisters and a stillborn brother. I also have an adopted son \par \par \tab named Jubal who died in 1984.\par \par \tab\tab You'll notice the presence of two murderers, which \par \par \tab suggests a familial lack of impulse control. The other murderer \par \par \tab besides Hiram was my mother's cousin Kenneth. He killed his \par \par \tab sister's lover in a fit of rage and spent 25 years in prison. \par \par \tab\tab And you'll see an unusual lack of alcoholism, only in \par \par \tab my cousin Nancy (who's dying of Hepatitis C) and my uncle Joe \par \par \tab (who was driving when he had a car wreck that killed his wife, \par \par \tab and who then became alcoholic and then committed suicide).\par \par \tab\tab I think what we have here is a typical American family, \par \par \tab with it's stengths and weaknesses, from a particular class. \par \par \tab Among the weaknesses are poor communication and relationship \par \par \tab skills. Among the strengths are inventiveness and \par \par \tab self-reliance. No one on the genogram is anything other than \par \par \tab a farmer, rancher, teacher (if you're a woman) or blue-collar \par \par \tab worker except for me, one of my sisters (who's an accountant), \par \par \tab and a cousin of mine who's a lawyer. We're working class, by \par \par \tab and large. I'm glad of that. I don't think wealth would have \par \par \tab helped my family. My family needs to outgrow a commitment to \par \par \tab melodrama before wealth would be positive.\par }