{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\deff0\deflang1033{\fonttbl{\f0\fswiss\fprq2 Arial;}{\f1\fswiss\fprq2\fcharset0 Arial;}{\f2\fswiss Arial;}} {\colortbl ;\red0\green0\blue0;} \viewkind4\uc1\pard\qc\b\f0\fs28 \cf1\f1\fs44 PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS\cf0\f0\fs28\par \pard\par \tab\cf1\f2\fs32 Dear Ann Landers:\b0 After reading the letter from "Sports Widow in Kentucky," I had to write. Her letter is my life exactly. I discovered on my wedding night that sports were a higher priority for my husband than I was.\par \tab For the first four years of married life, I pouted, begged and pleaded for a normal relationship. For the next five years, I learned the name and location of every football team, memorized the players' names, positions and statistics. I then buried myself in my children's lives. That lasted 18 years. Then the children left home.\par \tab One day, while my husband was mesmerized by a sporting event on TV, I handed him a bottle of lotion, took off my shoes and socks, and placed my feet on his lap. Hardly aware of what he was doing, he began to give me the most marvelous foot massage. I was in heaven. After that, we agreed I would get a foot massage for every sporting event he watched on TV.\par \tab Today, I wait, hope and pray there will be some game he wants to watch. For the first time in our marriage, I feel connected to him during sporting events and pampered to boot. We will celebrate our 33rd wedding anniversary this summer, and I hope there is a preseason football game on TV for us to enjoy together.\par \pard\qr --\i Team Spirit in Nebraska\par \pard\tab\b\i0 Dear Nebraska:\b0 I'd say you found the perfect solution-- and I suspect a good many "sports widows" will be eager to try your approach. Thanks for writing.\tab --\i Ann Landers\i0\par \par \tab "There are many people in the world who do not know how to use sensory experience to test and find out what they do and don't do well." (Bandler & Grinder, Reframing, 1982, p. 32)\par \tab "One of the greatest favors you can do for your clients is to get them to make a distinction between considering a behavior and doing it. If they can do that, they can fully consider what it would be like to do anything. As they consider it, they can find out in internal experience what it would be like to do it, and they can discover whether or not they think it would be worthwhile-- in terms of their values and goals-- to actually do it in external experience." (Bandler & Grinder, Reframing, 1982, p. 30)\par \par \pard\qc The \b basic problem-solving \b0 process is:\par \pard\b (1) Tell the story \b0 of the difficult situation, to someone who responds with empathy but not advice. Advice won't help you.\par \par \b (2) \b0 Answer their questions to \b clarify\b0 your experiences, behaviors, feelings and dilemmas.\par \par \b (3) Describe what you want \b0 your situation to be. Tell them how things would be if they were going well.\par \par \b (4)\b0 \b Describe what you've done \b0 in the past, and what you're doing now. What solutions have you tried?\par \par \b (5) \b0 Tell them which are the \b most important of the difficulties\b0 you have. Identify the underlying interest that needs to be met.\par \par \b (6) \b0 Tell them \b what changes are needed \b0 to get from here to there. Tell them what you're willing to do to get from here to there.\par \par \b (7) \b0 Do some \b brainstorming, \b0 coming up with lots of possible courses of action. Don't censor. Be free-flowing.\par \par \b (8) Evaluate \b0 these possible courses of action.\par \par \b (9)\b0 \b Choose the best one\b0 and \b act\b0 on it. Give it some time (say, three weeks), and if it doesn't work, choose another and try that.\par }