BUMPERSTICKERS collected by Roger Fritz
COLLECTED IN 2001
Do it. Then talk.
No gun pulls its own trigger.
I waited too long to sell out.
I don't know. You don't know.
Now where did I put my book of colorful phrases?
I finally got it all together, and now I can't remember where
I put it.
A hard man is good to find.
Let your voice be heard, even if it shakes.
Don't vote. Things are perfect as they are.
If you don't believe in God, you'd better be right.
Think big thoughts, and relish small pleasures.
I'd rather be smashing imperialism.
Men are idiots, and I married their king.
I'm so bored with the USA.
God was my copilot, but I crashed in the mountains and had to
The more I think about sex, the more I think about sex.
Let go of my ears. I know what I'm doing.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Seven days without God makes one weak.
When I say Give me space, I mean more Star Trek.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like no one's watching.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!
Blue collar, white collar. What's a collar without a chain?
Fishing isn't a matter of life and death. It's much more serious
Born again. And again, and again.
The sweetest kittens have the sharpest claws.
Think cosmically. Act locally.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
Things get better with age. I'm approaching magnificent.
Vizualize stopping distance.
On the 5th day, God created man. On the 6th day, He said,
The last day for complaints was yesterday.
A small step for mankind. A giant step for me.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Just let me shop, and no one gets hurt.
We're all dysfunctional. Get over it.
Vegetarian is a primitive word for poor hunter.
Isis, Isis, Ra, Ra, Ra.
Anything worth doing is worth doing frantically.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it takes a very
clever woman to manage a fool. --Kipling
God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.
God is dead. Elvis is alive.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
It's a small world. Use your elbows.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
No one is listening till you make a mistake.
You're unique, just like everyone else is.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
My purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The quickest way to double your maoney is to fold it in half
and put it back in youre pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but it's also the first one to
If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence you tried.
A good dog is worth its weight in gold. A good woman is worth her
weight in dogs.
Never go snipe hunting twice.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored catfood?
Venus di Milo was a chunk.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
God allows U-turns.
I must be a mushroom. They keep me in the dark and feed
me on bullshit.
Trees don't grow on money either.
Anybody can sail downwind.
I be hooked on ebonics.
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.
2nd-hand smoke gives you all the effects of smoking
without those pesky filters.
Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken. All
that's left is the handicapped.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth.
Only a sucker takes promises as payment.
Getting married for sex is like flying to London for the free
I wasn't born a bitch.
Fuck this. Fuck that.
My cat doesn't like the term "pet." It prefers "friend and
Don't get mad. Get naked.
Things will get worse before they get even worse.
Everyone seems normal till you get to know them.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Kiss my thistle.
Cheese that doesn't belong to you is nacho cheese.
Hatred isn't ended by escalation.
You don't know someone till you've met them in court.
Pharmacology: making life easier to swallow.
Happiness is a Republican president.
Drug laws create criminals.
Act like a dumb shit, and they'll treat you like an equal.
Happiness is an empty nest and an unlisted number.
Anything too dumb to say can be sung.
The rich have a crying need to get even richer, and I feel
Meter maids eat their young.
Wyoming: the Big Empty.
I want attention, but not yours.
I guess I was punk once.
Fight mouthwash. Eat garlic.
You don't need a majority to get elected.
The more you know, the less you need.
What would Jesus drive?
My Goddess gave birth to your God.
Will hunt for food.
Real race cars don't have doors.
Pick me, crush me, make me wine.
I'm a radiologist. I study radios.
Prevent divorce. Avoid marriage.
God is within me, so doing something good for myself is
a religious act.
Linux. In a world without fences, who needs Gates?
Beauty isn't a passport to success. It's a visa. It expires.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Drink your coffee. There are people in India sleeping.
I become a public health hazard after 44 hours of
I practice safe snacks. I always use a condiment.
Be grateful you've got a life to lose.
There's a difference between simple and
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
The Gods must be lawyers.
Katie Harman for President.
Hell hath no fury like a woman with a bowling ball.
Most accidents happen within 5 miles of your home. How
does your car know where you live?
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
The big print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
The circle never ends.
Fear me, for I have the power to destroy you.
Father forgive me, for I know not what I'm doing.
Honk if you do evil.
The Tennessee Walking Horse: the Ride of your Life.
Time flies when you're clinically depressed.
Time's a great healer and a lousy beautician.
Mommy, what were trees like?
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
If God wanted me to be rich, He'd give me money.
Our God is Awesome.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
God's retirement plan is out of this world.
Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.
Clones are people two.
Don't postpone joy.
Two bodies are better than one.
Spare the rod, spoil the child. Take a kid fishing.
Life's the school. Love's the lesson.
COLLECTED IN 2002
I brake for.... Oh shit, no brakes!
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
The Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
More jobs? What about fewer people?
The Earth Mother is not a single parent.
Wrestling: what men do when there's no basketball.
When the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers.
If the early bird gets the worm, where's the incentive to get up early
for the worm?
Your command is my wish.
Society for an idiot-free America.
A fool and his money are welcome anywhere.
I love dirt.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap.
If you are mean, irritable or grouchy, there will be a $10 service
charge for putting up with you.
If you can't beat them, arrange for them to be beaten.
Nothing in nature travels faster than a bad check.
Chocolate: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Billionaires for Bush (or Gore).
Don't get even-- get odd.
Sorry I'm not at church. I'm busy practicing witchcraft and
becoming a lesbian.
Not just a tomboy phase.
You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally
ill, physically abusive, cold, dead hands.
I've only myself to blame, but the day is young.
Every hour wounds, and the last one kills.
Life is unfair. Take advantage of it.
When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in
The Lord didn't do it all in one day.
If this car was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
Normal people worry me.
Dad, what were forests like?
Fish fear me.
Plan to improvise.
I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.
Don't mess with dragons, because you're crunchy and taste good
The artless are in charge of funding the arts.
Just say no to one-word solutions.
Another tree-hugging dirt lover.
Why can't we all just get a bong?
I'm not a millionaire, but I got no time to care.
The difference between tattooed and non-tattooed people is that
tattooed people are cool and can kick your ass.
Strike a blow for justice. Punch my attorney.
Dog is my co-pilot.
Never get in the way of a car needing extensive body work.
Stop Global Whining.
Living with a Basque builds character.
Support your local revolution.
The older the violin, the sweeter the music.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you.
Well past tense.
Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.
Resistance is feudal.
You're entitled to your wrong opinion.
2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do.
I choose not to live in reality.
If I got smart with you, how would you know?
Loose lips sink starships.
Stupidity should be painful.
An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.
If women didn't exist, we wouldn't need money.
Thou shalt wahoo.
Plan to improvise.
Death before decaf.
Control your destiny, or someone else will.
Boldly going nowhere.
Notice: humor not appreciated.
Hi. I don't care. Thanks.
Live larger, drive smaller.
Vlad the Inhaler.
COLLECTED IN 2003
Commit random senseless acts.
I have a common ancestor with everyone I meet.
That was Zen. This is Tao.
We spend all our time surfing.
You can't outgive God.
Bite me, Ford Boy.
God doesn't favor groups. Only religions do that.
I'd strike out on my own, but on my own I'd strike out.
Pavement is forever.
Kind people inhale.
Oh no! Not another learning experience!
Environment is everything.
My other car is a pair of boots.
I'm not a brat. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Traveling is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
We aren't human beings having a spiritual experience.
We're spiritual beings having a human experience.
Your girlfriend fakes it.
We don't want a bigger piece of the pie. We want the
Closing your heart doesn't make you safer. Neither does
Live dangerously. Hug a fencer.
What wisdom is greater than kindness?
I do whatever the little voices tell me to.
Everything mechanical breaks.
Back off. I'm a postal worker.
Adam was a rough draft.
If it were easy, it'd be so boring.
Keep your butt in the car. The earth is not your ashtray.
I brake for pie.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains
Suburbia: where they cut down trees and name streets after them.
Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on.
I'm not living in the past. I'm just paying for it.
People aggregate me.
If I could let go of my unrealistic expectations, everything in my
life would be perfect.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Eve was framed.
Better a bleeding heart than none at all.
Chaos: it's not just a theory, it's a way of life.
Madness takes a toll. Please have exact change ready.
I don't need a mechanic, I need a magician.
Ski naked. Put some color in your cheeks.
Isis, Isis, Ra, Ra, Ra.
I wish I was Barbie. That bitch has everything!
I love my wife.
Believe only half of what you think.
It's not stealing. It's managed giving.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
I'm self unemployed.
Save the Y2K bug!
Married life rocks!
You're only old once.
I'd rather be at a meeting.
Don't give the devil a ride. He always wants to drive.
Question authority. Ask me anything.
I'm a free radical.
The Holy Ghost comes in many shapes. One of them is coffee.
I only sleep at stoplights.
Rehab is for quitters.
Back off! I'm a goddess.
The difference between ignorance and stupidity is you can
I brake for Hooters.
Real women don't get hot flashes. They get power surges.
BLISS: Being Loved Is So Sweet.
I'm here to confiscate your guns.
Jesus died so we can drink and gamble.
American by birth. Deadhead by choice.
This ain't no technological breakdown. This is the road to hell.
If at first you don't succeed, quickly deny you ever even tried.
The reason divorces cost so much is that they're worth it.
The haves promote delayed gratification to the have nots.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Wackos for peace.
Your flag decal won't get you into heaven anymore.
You all laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you
because you're the same.
The rats keep winning the race.
If you think sex isn't important, ask someone who
isn't getting any.
If it weren't for sports, men would have no emotional life whatsoever.
Men like sex so much they put up with women to get it.
What would Buddha do?
The flexible will not be broken.
The root is mightier than the server.
Dead men don't wear polyester.
The hardest thing to predict is the future.
Be a smartass. Vote Democrat.
When she talks in her sleep, she gets my name right.
What would Scooby do?
I brake for Elves, Fairies, Gnomes, Leprecauns, Unicorns, Dragons
and other invisible creatures that only I can see.
Everyone should be having more sex.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
George W.'s dream is to be elected president someday.
How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?
Born again & again & again.
Death to all fanatics!
On the 8th day, God made dachshunds.
I brake for your honor student.
I married Mr. Right, and then found out his first name
I'd be jealous if I were you.
Mean people suck. Nice people swallow.
I love everyone. You're next.
Love > Fear.
Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
shoes on my dog.
Don't believe everything you think.
School prepares you for real life, which also sucks.
People who are different change the world. People who are the
same keep it the same.
If everything looks black, you've got your eyes shut.
Your powers are useless. The Clowns are on my side.
Therapy has taught me that it's all your fault.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
COLLECTED IN 2004
Specialization is for insects.
I see dumb people.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
We're staying together till the children are dead.
People who are different change the world. People who are
the same keep it the same.
Let there be sparkle.
Trees don't grow on money either.
Keep Portland weird.
Good girl gone bad.
Nobody died when Clinton lied.
Re-elect Gore in 2004.
Real life is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
Dude, where's my country?
Does he think there's oil on the moon?
Ask me about my vow of silence.
New Jersey: only the strong survive.
Re-defeat Bush in 2004.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
I want it all, and I want it delivered.
Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
All men are created equal. Poor things.
Die now. Pay later.
The point of life is to get out with your dignity intact.
My other car is a kiln.
It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from here.
Eternity: smoking or non-smoking?
I'm Amanda Wreckinwyth.
Mean people produce little mean people.
I love my country, but I think we should start
seeing other planets.
Eating is exercize.
Homer, Alaska: a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem.
The secret of life is short term, stupid self interest.
I look weird, but I'd kick your ass on Jeopardy.
667: neighbor of the beast.
I have a step ladder. I wish I knew my real ladder.
Unitarian with an attitude.
There is a God, but She doesn't like you.
We're creating enemies faster than we can kill them.
It ain't over till your brother counts the votes.
Don't feed the trunk monkey.
Better to be hated for what you are than to loved
for what you aren't.
The emperor has no brains.
Isn't it strange how much God hates the poor?
Built to please.
Material things bore me.
God must have a lot of emails ahead of mine.
When the love of life overcomes the love of power,
the world will have peace.
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
There are only 2 kinds of music: Country and Western.
Am I self centered? Or is it just me?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My golden retriever is smarter than your honor student.
Money isn't everything, but it can buy everything.
It's not about good versus evil. It's about bad versus evil.
Capital punishment is a hate crime.
It ain't over till Julie Chen says it's over.
Drowning in the mainstream.
Attitudes are the real disabilities.
10 out of 10 terrorists agree, anybody but Bush.