BUMPERSTICKERS collected by Roger Fritz
COLLECTED IN 1996
Private bumper sticker. Do not read.
Evil dwells in moist places.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Instant human. Just add coffee.
Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity you can't breed anything.
If I was organized I would finish whatever I
Here today, lawn tomorrow.
No amount of planning beats dumb luck.
As Socrates said, "I drank what?"
Jesus is coming. Look buzy.
Evil Geniuses For A Better Tomorrow.
Just remember, we're all in this alone.
A day without sunshine is like night.
When the chips are down, the cow is empty.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
Do frogs have to wait an hour after eating to get out of the water.
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Happiness is the planet earth in your rear-view mirror.
It isn't how you play the game. It's how you market yourself.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
Grab life by the throttle.
Cupid's got a gun. Don't try to run.
Do nothing. Avoid criticism.
I've scraped and clawed my way to the middle.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
I am man. Hear me snore.
Over what hill? I don't remember any hill.
Baroque: when you're out of Monet.
All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
The media are as liberal as their corporate masters.
If the jews are the chosen people, why doesn't Israel have oil?
Fight crime. Shoot back.
Society is safer when criminals don't know who's armed.
I'm still going on bad dates. By now I should be in a bad marriage.
I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for, or what you'd rather be doing.
Slave to Art.
Save the lab rat.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can postpone indefinitely.
You can smile and smile and still be a villain.
Money is the cocaine of politics.
An armed society is a polite society.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Photons have mass? Who knew they were Catholic?
Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I'm a gullibleist. I believe in everything.
I've seen the coffee, and the damage done.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
If you love animals you call pets, why do you eat animals you call dinner.
If you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
The nice thing about death is you don't have to pack.
Stop, or you'll go blind.
Fear is an emotion. Bad is an attitude.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
Drink your coffee. There are people in India sleeping.
Living on earth includes an annual free trip around the sun.
You can live to 100 if you give up the things that make you want to.
I brake for Amazons.
I crossed the Arctic Circle in the land of the midnight sun.
I'm not bald. I'm follicly challenged.
I've never been to Kokomo, but I've had pneumonia.
If you don't have the cash, why get up?
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Nice people lick.
The obvious problem isn't the only problem.
The road to hell is paved with Republicans.
Sky divers are chuting stars.
When I get to heaven, I'm taking up pole-vaulting.
A dancing chicken is poultry in motion.
RU-486 plus LSD: take a trip without the kids.
Free Willie Nelson Mandela.
Blame it all on my roots.
God created hell to train the faithful.
Where there's smoke there's fire? You haven't been camping.
Hard writing makes easy reading.
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
Making everything look easy is a lot of hard work.
If you can't raise the bridge, lower the river.
Will surf for God.
You can't buy luck.
Susan Molinari for President.
Warning: feeding or molesting alligators is dangerous.
Never attack anyone till you've counted the cost of winning.
You name it!
My psychic said there'd be money in my future. I forgot to ask how much.
If you want a sales tax, move to a state that has one.
Ionesco should live now.
Take a cold plunge into the future.
Stocks, bonds, rock and roll.
Getting older is the nicest thing that can happen.
A real woman drives a truck.
Money is the root of all politics.
Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano.
There's no future in time travel.
Honk if you feel guilty.
Honk if you think I'm Jesus.
I don't buy everything I read. I haven't even read everything I've bought.
Dole for Pineapple.
A good friend is like a good bra: Warm, comfortable, supportive and always close to your heart.
The goddess is fat, and she's standing on my foot.
Hey Buddy, can you spare a mocha?
Even a dipstick can tell the difference.
Christians-- can't live with them, can't throw them to the lions anymore.
The majority isn't silent. Our government is deaf.
Ignorance is no excuse for the law.
The first boat-people were white.
Save a forest. Cut down a Republican.
Don't sweat the petty things. Pet the sweaty things.
I love nature, in spite of what it's done to me.
Hang up and drive.
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidently shoot their kids.
Who owns you?
Invest in America. Buy a congressman.
Will be President for food.
Jesus is a liberal.
Don't blame me. I voted against all of them.
Better a bleeding heart than none at all.
If you want a country run by religion, move to Iran.
Just do what?
I can't decide who to vote against.
When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If money could talk, it would say, "Goodbye."
Just give me a cup of Joe, and no one gets hurt.
Anti-Christ for President.
Life is a cabernet.
Ignorance isn't bliss. It's ignorance.
Jesus was a hippie.
I fish, and I vote.
Humans aren't the only species on earth, just the only ones who act like it.
The Lord giveth. Uncle Sam taketh away.
The seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim.
If I save time, do I get it back?
If I were you, who'd be me?
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
Real men love Jesus.
Just because you can't change the world, that's no reason to let the world change you.
Visualize using your turn signals.
May we live long and die out.
Friends don't let friends eat meat.
Vulcan Academy, for a logical education.
Have you tormented the Devil today?
Those who die with the most toys are still dead.
Optimists live longer than pessimists. That's why I'm an optimist.
Remember, we're all in this alone.
Warning: driver carries less than $20 worth of ammunition.
Honk if you're conscious.
I'm the mother your people warned you about.
Earth can no longer afford the rich.
Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons.
Faith makes things possible, not easy.
Vote pro-clone. Choose multiple life.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Think "Honk" if you're telepathic.
Before I was married I had 6 theories on how to raise kids. Now I've got 6 kids and no theories.
COLLECTED IN 1997
Life is scripted by Kafka, staged by the Ringling Brothers and filmed by Fellini.
Kiss my art.
Shoot cops, not drugs.
I survived Catholic school.
Car's OK. Driver needs some body-work.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Sky divers are good to the last drop.
Real men read the instructions.
I'd rather be in bed.
I love my bad-ass attitude.
If ignorance is bliss, why are so many people unhappy?
May you be in heaven for half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
I fish, therefore I lie.
If a man is alone in the woods and he says something, is he wrong?
We suck. We really suck.
A woman with PMS and ESP is a bitch who knows everything.
Haste is a kind of violence.
This isn't living. It's MacLife.
If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
51% sweetheart, 49% bitch. Don't push your luck.
Dental assistant. Save my job-- eat sweets.
If life were fair, there wouldn't be rich people.
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.
It's better to say something good about a bad person than to say something bad about a good one.
I embarrass my offspring.
If you can't be nice, be vague.
How do you know when it's time to tune a bagpipe?
Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with wondering if you turned the stove off.
UFO's are real. The US Air Force doesn't exist.
When you have nothing to do, it takes all day.
Give blood. Play rugby.
Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
Empty the prisons. Make room for congress.
When it absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight: US Marines.
Reality is when it happens to you.
Stupidity should be painful.
The universe isn't expanding. The people inside it are shrinking.
219 buses are off the road because I'm driving my car.
A gossip has a keen sense of rumor.
You can't get the worm out by polishing the apple.
He who rides a tiger can't dismount.
The best substitute for experience is being 16.
Life's a ratrace, and the rats are winning.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
Diplomacy is telling a man to go to hell and making him look forward to the trip.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has limits.
The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I never make mistrakes.
COLLECTED IN 1998
Honk if your parts fall off.
I love my chubby hubby.
If it's tourist season, why can't we hunt them?
Photographer on board.
Love your phlebotomist.
Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.
Live so the preacher doesn't have to lie at your funeral.
Life is temporary. My mortgage payment is permanent.
Anybody can take things apart.
Ferengis and Klingons and Borgs, oh my!
My God can beat up your God.
Hard work won't kill you, but why take the chance?
Illegal alien in trunk.
I'm pro-accordian, and I vote.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call in queer?
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
Bad cop. No donut.
Art saves lives.
I hate bumperstickers.
No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
God's last name is not Dammit.
Never drive faster than your angels can fly.
Put the petal to the meadow.
Think global. Act loco.
I'd rather be here now.
Even cows dream.
America: love it or give it back.
Come the rapture, can I have your car?
Friends don't let friends go to Starbuck's.
Most people suck.
Life is one damn thing after another.
I'd rather rule in hell than serve in heaven.
Good planets are hard to find.
Don't hate me because my car's beautiful.
Three more espressos, and I can fly.
The only way you know what life has in store for you is hindsight.
There's no government like no government.
I'm old and fat. I need a nap.
Dare to keep cops off donuts.
Silence is misinterpreted.
I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
Illiterate? Write for free brochure.
Kako did it.
I'm not spoiled. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
Old uphosterers never die. They always recover.
Gun control: a steady hand.
Nothing exceeds like excess.
When you've completed 95% of the journey, you're halfway there.
COLLECTED IN 1999
Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?
Old LP's go to their vinyl resting place.
So many cats. So few recipes.
Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints.
Better dead than decaf.
Visualize grilled cheese.
Encourage your illusions.
Better latte than never.
If you love it, lube it.
Clean, sober, and bored shitless.
Sex is like pizza: even when it's bad it's kind of good.
I'm not crazy. I'm singing.
A man with a good car don't need no redemption.
I eat people, and I vote.
Love is contagious.
There's no place like Om.
I love a man with dishpan hands.
As long as there's death, there's hope.
Many who plan to seek God at the eleventh hour die at 10:30.
Help the police. Beat yourself up.
You can send me to college, but you can't make me think.
Question internal combustion.
Is there life before coffee?
I love children. They're delicious.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
How to fix a broken heart? Duct tape.
Fight smog. Buy horses.
A liar with nothing to lie about.
The drinking age should be raised to fifty.
Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it.
American by birth. Anti-Christ by choice.
Some days you eat the peach. Some days the peach eats you.
What pornography? I don't even have a pornograph.
Beam me back, Merlin.
I see them sneaking up on me, but they think I think it's all in my imagination.
If I'd known how much fun grandchildren are, I'd have had them first.
Weird works for me.
Yes, I AM the center of the universe.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
My clone did it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
It's never too late to start wasting your life.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.
Honk if you're Jesus.
Fight crime. Shoot back.
I'm single, conservative and looking for Mr. Right.
Reality is what you can get away with.
I accelerate for attorneys.
Thank you for pot smoking.
Pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain.
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
Horn broke. Watch for finger.
Save the planet. Kill yourself.
Warnig. Telivison promots iliteracy.
Honk if you love Buddha.
Born to mulch.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
Witches are crafty people.
Why does a woman wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send the rest?
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
God must love stupid people. Look around you.
I just haven't felt the same since that house fell on my sister.
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
I can't go to work today. The voices said, "Stay home and clean the guns."
I want to know God's thoughts. The rest are details.
Eve was framed.
Life is just sudden-death overtime.
I think, therefore I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Treat your kids with kindness. They choose your resthome.
The reward for a job well done is no punishment.
He who dies with the most choices, chooses.
Never cut what you can untie.
Under the Republicans, man exploits man. Under the Democrats, it's just the opposite.
Stop honking. I'm reloading.
Understand men? Want one anyway?
Reality is for those who lack imagination.
I'm going to live forever or die in the attempt.
Sup wit dat?
Many spiders can tie down one lion.
Knowledge is better than riches.
Self introspection sucks.
The facts are always friendly.
Next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If you're going to be a food, be a perfect fool: be wrong all the time.
You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.
If you aim too high, the projectile you fire may fall on your head.
Believing is seeing.
Life's a trip.
If God had wanted us to be nudists, we'd have been born naked.
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then congress is the opposite of progress.
Appraise the Lord. Tax church property.
There's more to life than playing golf. There's also watching it on TV.
Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.
Don't be humble. You aren't that great.
COLLECTED IN 2000
It doesn't matter how many times you push the wrong button.
If there's evolution, why are there still monkeys?
I love my tattoo.
Why does bad taste happen to good people?
I ain't voting for no Son Of Bush.
Put the "fun" back in funeral.
Change is afoot. Give it a hand.
Caution. Braille driver.
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
Only one shopping day left till tomorrow.
I can eat an elephant if I take small bites.
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
That "love thy neighbor" thing, I meant that. -God
Go to heaven. Ski like hell.
Ride naked and tattooed.
I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.
Don't look down on crazy people. You might be one of them.
Life is a witch, and then you fly.
Honk if you think I'm Jesus.
No special rights for intolerant imbeciles.
My tattoo can beat up your tattoo.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Genetically engineered corn kills butterflies. What's next?
It's been a long sad climb to the middle.
Ya gotta have the courage to look reality in the eye and say it doesn't exist.
Like what you see? Dial 1-800-YOU-WISH.
The weather is here. Wish you were wonderful.
Hit me, and we blow up together.
I took up jogging so I could hear heavy breathing again.
Al Gore playing drums: algorithm.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
90% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
My other car is another piece of junk.
Women are like telephones: they love to be talked to, they love to be held, but if you push the wrong button... you're disconnected.
If you don't know where you want to end up, it doesn't matter what road you take.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Lord, bless that tailgater!
Knowledge is power. Become a tyrant.
Life's a bitch, and then they drop a house on your sister.
You can convince anyone of anything if you use enough detail.
This is NOT an abandoned car.
School prepares you for life. And also for jail.
You go, girl!
My favorite things are fried.
I'm not a failure. I suffer from Success Deficit Disorder.
An ounce of prevention is worth a kilo of cure.
Your brain may be trapped in your body, but your mind doesn't have to be.
Everybody's looking for something.
The mind is a terrible thing.
Commemorative plate industry calls for the tragic death of Barbara Streisand.
It's never too late to be a late bloomer.
You don't have to be dead to go toward the light.
Creative people should be stopped.
All good things come to an end. The mediocre last forever.
Why is it illegal to be legally drunk?
Conscience is that inner voice warning you that someone may be looking.
Kneel down and obey, ordinary boy.
Mary had a little lamb, but I ate it.
All I ever needed to know, I learned from porno.
Some days it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps in the morning.
I'm a freak. Touch me.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.
What would Xena do?
I have a black belt in shopping.
That was Zen. This is Tao.
Life is heavenly for the easily amused.
Had milk.... want beer.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I'm not afraid of flying. I'm afraid of crashing.
I'm going to see how much you have to drink to go back in time.
George W. Bush from president!
I don't know. You don't know.
I wasted my whole life trying to accomplish something.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.
Feet smell? Nose runs? You're upside down.
If my knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Money can buy everything but happiness.
A rich person isn't one who has the most, but who needs the least.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Excuses are like asses: everyone's got em and they all stink.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world's a stage, where's the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
362.5 days of drinking lite beer: a lite year.
The shortest distance between two jokes is a straight line.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries.
You get out of something what you see pictured on the box.
Don't skydive if you're blind. It scares the dog.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
It's good if you like chores, cuz that's mostly what life consists of.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
Another dopeless hope fiend.
If God didn't mean for people to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat?
The difficult is easy when it's fun.