BUMPERSTICKERS collected by Roger Fritz
COLLECTED IN 1993
An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.
Couch potatos don't do it.
Dog owners haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
No man's so sane he can't be cured.
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
What if this turns out to be one of God's little jokes?
Baloney sliced in any way is still baloney.
Saddam Hussein still has his job. Do you?
Comfort the afflicted. Afflict the comfortable.
No good time is too long. No bad time is too short.
I'd run away if it weren't so inconvenient.
When cows laugh, milk comes out their noses.
Life's a beach, and then you dry.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Inhale to the chief.
You can count the seeds in an apple, but not the apples
in a seed.
If it ain't broke, it ain't breakable.
If this were a logical world, men would ride side-saddle.
Texas is great if you like hot dirt.
There's no tomorrow. Get drunk today.
His aim is true, but his target's his foot.
Hillary Clinton Fan Club.
Dances with Trees.
Fear is my ally.
Dust settles on my dreams.
Leave Chelsea alone.
Support our gay troupes.
Due to the change in the administration, the light at the end
of the tunnel has been turned back on.
I don't have to sleep with a woman to fight like a man.
I got caught smuggling books into Kentucky.
I lost a bet with God.
If you want to advance into the infinite, explore the finite in
Drugs and algebra.
Hell is the only place they'll still let me smoke.
Art is a lie that shows the truth.
Thank the Great Spirit I was born to think Indian.
Politics is show business for ugly people.
The best armor is to keep out of range.
Justice do it.
I feel better than I look.
Back into the frying pan!
Mr. Right showed up, and I was out on a date with Mr. Wrong.
Go away. I'm sleeping.
Gnu whirled odor.
The secret to staying young is denial.
Neil Young is God.
I'm not fat. This is a skin disorder.
I have no insight, but my hindsight's getting better.
Economics is a gambol.
Even God can't find good help.
I survived Andrew. It's the recovery that's killing me.
I have a hard time letting go of the future.
Kiss Packwood goodbye.
David Koresh: God.
I love it when men talk stupid.
I practice safe sex. I use an airbag.
Insanity is rare in individuals and the rule in groups.
I think all extremists should be shot.
Don't pound on the walls to quiet the neighbors till
you've heard their views on gun control.
Is your church ATF approved?
80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
I don't know but I've been told, fuchsia doesn't go
The right wing has a white ring to it.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd need more money.
I have a premonition I'm going to have deja vu.
God is a comedian with an audience who's afraid to laugh.
He's tanned, he's rested, he's ready-- Nixon in '96.
You can trust the government. Ask a whale or an Indian.
Just deux it.
Parenthood isn't like it looks in the brochures.
Live lobsters, dancing nightly.
Define universe. Give two examples.
Walter Wall Car Pits.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're a fool than
to open your mouth and prove it.
Is that Chicken Little or Paul Revere I hear?
Instant gratification is too slow.
I've been chased by women, but then I woke up.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
I had an out-of-body experience, but I got my old body back.
God sent me here to get certain things done, and right now
I'm so far behind I'll never die.
Conan the Comedian.
To live outside the law you must be honest.
We see things not as they are, but as we are.
Forget love and war. Make money.
Golf won't kill you, but it'll make you wish you were dead.
Ladies' Anarchist Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society.
It looks like a duck. It walks like a duck. It quacks like
a duck. What the hell is it?
L.A. is group therapy for eight million people.
Tomorrow's only a new day if you can tell one day from another.
No tidbits for me. I want the whole tid.
If you want to get to heaven, you have to change planes
Of chorus we're having fun.
Oregon's a dream state.
Bachelors' wives and spinsters' children are perfect.
Heaven for us is hell for angels.
You don't need to be straight to fight for your country.
You just need to shoot straight.
Make it a federal case.
Changing what I can.
Business is war without bullets.
Defunding education is defeating the future.
JOIN THE MOVEMENT (for fiscal reform).
Life begins at 40 knots.
Crime: redistribution of wealth when the government isn't
The only crime-free zone left is prison.
Just say no to pesticides.
Cows kill salmon.
I take acid, and I vote.
I know I'm right because I have red hair.
This car guarded by poodle with P.M.S.
Behind every successful woman stands herself.
It's hard to be humble when you own an Alaskan Malamute.
The earth doesn't belong to us. We belong to the earth.
I believe Anita Hill.
I swerve and hit people at random.
If I look lost, direct me to the nearest Starbuck's.
Enjoy life. It's not a dress rehearsal.
I'm losing my mind, and nobody cares.
I'd rather be kayaking.
Mean people suck.
Bound to cover just a little more ground.
If it works, don't fix it.
Peace: the final frontier.
Heffenziener: the bier of the gods.
Health care for all, not just for sum.
Anarchists of the world, loosely unite.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
What part of "no" don't you understand?
I've had it up to here with the flood of '93.
Everything on board.
Love is as useless as beauty.
Prepare for the jobs of tomorrow. Learn Spanish.
Baby I'm bored.
Ithica is gorges.
I brew, therefore I am.
Yoga: Om, sweet Om.
I went to N.Y., and the guy trying to steal my tires got run
over by the guy stealing my car.
Don't cry over something that can't cry over you.
I'm into fitness. I had a fit, and now I feel better.
Don't blame me. I voted Republican.
I'm laying up treasure in heaven. Just look at my car.
Trout are torpedos.
Happy as a clam.
Free Mike Tyson.
My radio's already been stolen.
God created the world in six days, but He didn't have to
First Assembly of Bob.
Damn, I'm good!
I'm a geneus.
I'm no stranger to hard work. I've seen it done.
My wife walks on the ground I worship.
Why do bad things happen to good-looking people?
Pass with care. Driver chews tobacco.
Steven Hawkings Fan Club.
Infinity's the limit.
A healthy forest is no accident.
I've seen God, and She's black, gay and pleasantly plump.
Welcome to the paradox.
If I never had existed, would you still remember me?
Mi crisis, su crisis.
Whoever's calm and sensible is insane.
Tolerance. Get on drugs.
If God had wanted us to be naked, we'd have been born that way.
The best things is life... R.V.
Life's too short to wear tight shoes.
Psychic friends' newspaper: U.S.A. Tomorrow.
First rule of show-business: take someone down with you.
I Hate Barney Secret Society.
God already made my day.
War is costly. Peace is priceless.
Eat or die.
Don't put off till your next life what you can do in this one.
Vegetarians taste better.
Dear God, it wasn't a dream.
Time exists so that everything doesn't happen all at once.
Space exists so that everything doesn't happen to you.
Hate AIDS, not life.
Heavy women are the best lovers.
I love Boobies.
I saw Elvis and Roy Orbison, naked and in concert.
Thank you, Anita. Goodbye, Bob.
Conservation is survival.
Get the CIA off drugs.
Do it yourself. Then call us.
When the hippo surfaces and says the crocodile is dead, don't
argue with him.
Fear nothing. Accept God.
Quilters don't do buttons.
Honesty is erotic.
If you liked Beirut, you'll love Mogadishu.
Barney is next to godliness.
Dances with Visa.
The best revenge is laughter.
Fear is part hope.
Central America: come take your chances.
Midlife crisis is like adolescence, only you have more money
and your face doesn't break out.
I saw you naked at Michigan State.
I remember when sex was safe and Michael Jackson was black.
TIME: There Is More Everyday.
PURPLE: People Understanding Rights, People Living Equally.
Grime and pusnishment.
University of Deluxe: No Dopes.
God is coming, and She's pissed.
Thinking like a woman has made me a better man.
The Lawn Ranger.
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
You know you're gtetting older when happy hour is a nap.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Good things come in bald packages.
I'm not opinionated. I'm just right.
Compost: a rind is a terrible thing to waste.
What time is recess?
I fish, therefore I am.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Real men don't need instructions.
When you can't breathe, nothing else matters.
Lobotomies for Republicans. It's the law.
I'm one happy enchilada.
It's easy to dodge an elephant, but not a fly.
Keeping house is like threading beads on a string with no
knot at the end.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it
I've suffered enough. When does my artwork improve?
Nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he'd spent more time
at the office.
Entropy requires no maintenance.
Indians discovered America.
Visualize World Police.
I've dedicated my life to overcoming inner peace.
Relativity is special.
Indians discovered Columbus.
Give everybody a glue gun.
Two's company. Three's crossfire.
Don't trust anyone over thirty.
Vote yes on no.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I'd know what to think if I knew who to believe.
I love love Walla Walla.
All's fear in love and war.
If nobody knows the trouble you've seen, you don't live in
a small town.
I'm neither for nor against apathy.
A city without trees isn't fit for a dog.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
Give me liberty, or forget I said anything.
The crime of homelessness is that it exists.
Weasels mate for life.
The beauty of simplicity is the complexity it attracts.
My other car was siezed by the DEA.
If it's important to the Oregonian, it's in the Washington
Save the unicorn.
If you have 6 hours to chop a tree down, spend 5 hours
sharpening the ax.
A small measure of fame is better than a slap on the belly
with a wet trout.
So many gerbils. So little time.
It is forbidden to forbid.
Tuba, or not tuba?
I'm a builder. I have an edifice complex.
A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether
to say it.
Get a horse.
COLLECTED IN 1994
Sea oats preserve beaches.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of
ignorance is just as bad.
I'm pro-graffitti, and I vote.
Rest the West.
A world of wanted children would make a world of difference.
Before an earthquake, place yourself in a safe location.
If you want to be happy, try to change the sail rather than
Safe sex: get married, and be faithful.
To each his zone.
I just hope God grades on a curve.
A distraction's only a distraction if you pay attention to it.
God's in the details.
Life is about timing.
I brake for lattes.
Have you hugged your hog today?
Brake for moose. Save your life.
Politics has overwhelmed serious debate.
Destined for goodness.
The question is the answer.
We have art so we don't die of reality.
It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it used to.
I choose not to cope.
Just when you think you're winning the ratrace, a faster rat
Satan is alive, and she's my cat.
Feeling baad? Get sheep-faced.
Either space is curved or my car is pulling to the left.
I seen 'em.
I don't need drugs. I can get the same effect by standing up
The chief cause of problems is old solutions.
Visualize armed revolution.
Hippies are proof cowboys fuck sheep.
My kid beat up your honor student.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
Just did it.
Rome wasn't burned in a night.
I'm lost, but I'm making record time.
He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.
A good childhood lasts a lifetime.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Mao more than ever.
Life's a game. Golf's serious.
Will-power over won't-power.
Computers know when you're afraid of them.
God's retirement plan is out of this world.
Young at heart. Older in other places.
Stress is what happens when your gut says no, and your mouth
Not all who wander are lost.
Official Grateful Dead Sticker Test Vehicle.
Denial means never having to say you're sorry.
I brake for bigfoot.
Death is the mother of beauty.
Smile. It's the Apocolypse.
Wheneve you feel afraid, get a new box of crayons.
Love is the only four letter word you need to know.
The best thing is winning. The second best thing is losing.
Bigamy is its own punishment.
One nuclear family can ruin your whole day.
If you don't have dirt in your beer, you're not at a
I can see into the future, and I'm not there.
The Golden Rule: he who has the gold makes the rules.
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Art doesn't have to be good to be art.
If guns made us safer, we'd be the safest nation on earth.
If you're in a hole, stop digging.
No bloody swearing.
American by birth. Biker by choice.
We're not out of the woods, but we made it through the Bushes.
God's too big to be contained in any one religion.
If it weren't for capital punishment, we'd have no Easter.
Jesus, save me from your followers.
Straight is great, but bent is better.
Against abortion? Have a vasectomy.
Born to bingo.
I saw Elvis bartending at Mark's Hawthorne Pub.
Let's pretend.... Vote Republican.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did, not
screaming like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for humility, and He humiliated me.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Don't blame me. I voted for Elvis.
I was a millionaire once. Then my mom threw out all my
Don't interpret this smile as happiness. It's insanity.
Horse lovers are stable people.
Not now, honey. My fingernails are still wet.
Don't honk. I'm listening to Rush.
Getting old isn't for sissies.
Jimmy Carter is no longer our worst president.
I believe in the big bang theory. God spoke, and said, "Bang."
If crime showed in peoples' faces, there would be no mirrors.
Only when the last tree has died, the last river been
poisoned, and the last fish been caught will we
realize we can't eat money.
We need the earth more than the earth needs us.
Money is dirty paper.
You can't get ahead while getting even.
"Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy
I'm not hanging by my fingers from a cliff, I'm
climbing a mountain.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I can't have kids. I have white couches.
Pilot on board.
Rush is Right.
We have the leaders we deserve.
I'm not waiting for prayer in the schools. I'm saying
COLLECTED IN 1995
Market in haste. Re-Pentium at liesure.
Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Under Newt management.
You can't free a fish from water.
Sex, violence, and ancient lawnmowers.
Back to the three R's: Reject the Radical Right.
Support your local police. Beat yourself up.
Just when you have all your ducks in a row, it's duck season.
Fool-proof is easy. Idiot-proof is impossible.
I gave up meat for lentil.
Condom the Barbarian.
It's happy hour somewhere.
I wept because I had no Gucci's, until I met a man who had
Anarchy begins in the home.
When your ship comes in, don't be at the airport.
Only God can kill the Devil.
Seedloading is a crime.
Will golf for food.
Insured by Smith & Wesson.
Newt for president.
Honk if you believe in UFO's.
Did God get permission from the ethics board to use
Power isn't sufficient evidence for truth.
Surrendering civil rights is easy when they're someone else's.
If you took all the fools out of the legislature, it would no
longer be a representative body.
You gotta keep laughing or you will go insane.
Dysfunctional Children of Normal Parents.
Internet is life.
I'd rather be telecommuting.
Imagination is stronger than knowledge.
Mind over matter: if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I'm food for squirrels.
If they outlaw molecular assemblers, only outlaws will have
Soccer is the good life.
To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be
stupid enough to want it.
A liberal is a conservative who's been in jail. A conservative
is a liberal who's been mugged.
Brave Newt World.
Alien is beautiful.
The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
It's lonely at the top when there's no one on the bottom.
I brake for asteroids.
Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
The only thing sweeter than honey is the judgement of the Lord.
The buck starts here.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is
The more things change, the more things change.
There's a lack of great leaders, so I'm following myself.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Hang up and drive.
The wings of justice will always triumph over evil.
The Q'uran is the answer.
I only have ice for you.
Get carried away.
Happiness is loving a cat.
I missed Woodstock. I'm not missing Armageddon.
Driver reads braille.
I'd rather be streaking.
Dregs aspiring to be scum.
I've been to Duluth.
I brake for nobody.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
A positive attitude won't solve your problems, but it'll
irritate enough people to make it worth doing.
Those who travel the high road of humility aren't troubled
by heavy traffic.
If you walk through a jungle, don't act like food.
Fresh and snappy.
Philosophy is what enables the rich to claim that being poor
is no disgrace.
The worst way to fail is cowardice.
If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.
Will drum for food.
Too bad we don't live backwards. Hindsight would be worth
Birds don't row boats.
Romulan Military Academy.
Bad luck shouldn't be confused with failure.
I didn't exhale.
Beware of God.
She who laughs, lasts.
American by birth. Southern by the grace of God.
I put French bread in the toaster, and I didn't get French
When good Americans die, they go to Paris.
Slaves have jobs. They don't have unions.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Slaves on board.
Dare to think for yourself.
Cement workers stay hard forever.
Free the planet.
I always do what my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
Sappho is coming.
You should never watch two things being made: sausage and
Feed the homeless to the hungry.
People who cheat in life may not cheat in golf, but people
who cheat in golf always cheat in life.
All difficulties come from not staying home.
Too much month at the end of the money.
The rights you save may be your own.
Recycle yourself. Be an organ donor.
If you torture the data long enough, it will confess.
I'm a recovering workaholic.
Nights of passion. No regrets in the morning. Portland
I'd live in heaven, but the rent's so cheap in hell.
I'm no flatlander.
Sheik, sheik, sheik your bootie.
Tomorrow's flowers are in today's seeds.
Soccer players have goals.
If a woman's place is in the home, why do I spend so much
time in the car?
My contract with America is the constitution.
Guns cause crime like garbage causes flies.
Save the baby humans.
As the years go by, it gets harder to wear my entire
Thank God for death.
Nobody knows I'm an alien.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Lawyers can always rise to the occasion of an open mike.
I worked for a hydrant company, but you couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
Quit smoking, and you get 5 more years in the nursing
Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!
I brake for Bob Newhart.
"He's dead, Jim."
Money in hell is fireproof.
Keep dope alive.
Atoms for peace is a bomb.
I'd rather be in Samadhi.
I'm schizophrenic, so I'm never alone.
Someday a woman will be president.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Do witches run spell-checkers?
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and
those who can't.
English is not my fort.
Women are from Pluto. Men are from Goofy.
If you don't play chess, life's like a game of chess.
People with lawns have mow fun.
When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are
Everyone's crazy but me and thee, and sometimes I wonder
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Coffee is God.
The hippies are back, and boy are they pissed.
I dove the Red Sea.
Men are not pigs. Pigs are gentle, sensitive and
Spirit don't do politics.
668: the Beast's neighbor.
Doing my best to piss off the religious right.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I love spotted owls, fried in Exxon oil.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
Optimists say this is the best of all worlds. Pessimists
fear they're right.
Party or die.
Anything good was done by someone wearing comfortable shoes.
Eve was not a size 6.
Because of me and 218 other drivers, one Tri-met bus is off
Shin: a deviced for finding furniture in the dark.
Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
God is love. Satan is 30 and up one set.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Some mornings I wake up Grouchy. Other times I just let
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Health is the slowest rate at which one can die.
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggy," while you look
for a rock.
Fame is the worst drug of all.
Be naughty. Save Santa the trip.
Give class warfare a chance.
Don't lose your head to gain a minute. You need your head.
Your brains are in it.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired. Or when she's
John Candy forever.
Study hard. You don't want to have to repeat history.
Death is the first day of the rest of your life.
Mistakes are bridges between ignorance and wisdom.
Temptation's the one thing I can't resist.
I depend on the kindness of strangers. My friends stopped
lending me money.
My other car is a zamboni.
United we sit.
My eyes are bigger than my wallet.
Boycott the media. Explore the emptiness.
Who needs war when we have alcohol?
Six months of winter, and six months of poor sledding.
No goats, no glory.
Weeds never sleep.
Without ice cream there would be darkness and chaos.
Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly
pathetic that it has to be us.
I brake for angels.
The bigger they are, the harder they beat you.
I don't have any problems a million dollars wouldn't cure.
Old pilots never die. They just go on to a new plane.
If I buy one more Edsel, she'll leave me.
Hell is ruled by puritans.
In dog years, I'm dead.
I'd rather be watching my soaps.
I can only live in the now on the weekends.
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
I've seen God, and she's a black lesbian.
It's not a lie if I believed it when I said it.
Only rich people say money can't buy happiness.
If it ain't broke, I can probably fix it.
Earth first! We'll log the other planets later.
The flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
My purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Seek first to understand.
The earth has a hard crust, and a wonderful chewy center.
Cryonicist on board.
Success is a necessary misfortune.
If I wanted a bitch, I'd buy a dog.
I brake for birds.
Floats like a lepidoptera, stings like a hymenoptera.
Is there life after Disney World?
The mind is the second thing to go. I forget the first.
The only thing better than sex is revenge.
Whitney Houston, we have a problem.
You can lead a skunk to water, but they're still going to
If it's still fuzzy, you're not playing hard enough.
You don't have to be in love to dance.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I hate plants.
Keep your car doors locked. It's zucchini season.