BUMPERSTICKERS collected by Roger Fritz
COLLECTED IN 1986
Easy does it.
Support your right to arm bears.
Feel safe tonight. Sleep with a cop.
Please tailgate. I need the money.
A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.
It's not pretty being easy.
I brake for railroad crossings.
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
I brake for Artesians.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If we can risk nuclear war, we can risk disarmament.
Support wildlife. Throw a party.
I brake for garage sales.
Love is contagious. Be a carrier.
Be patient. God isn't finished with me yet.
I brake for unicorns.
The gas war is over. Gas won.
You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.
Life is a beach.
Save the whales.
I brake for hallucinations.
The parts falling off this car are of finest British quality.
I brake for no apparent reason.
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
Are we having fun yet?
I swerve for butterflies.
This is not an abandoned car.
I brake for coffee.
ET: phone home.
Caution: do not enter without fresh air supply.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys
My other car is a Porsche.
You can't meet God face to face till you have a face.
You are here.
This car is a transistorized Cadillac.
Here today, gone to Maui.
My other car is a piece of shit, too.
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady
When God created men, she was only joking.
Scottie, beam me up.
Aerobic dancing is a kick.
Musicians duet better.
Expect a miracle. Kiss a frog.
Heaven is beautiful this time of year.
Keep grandma off the streets.
Born to shop.
Heaven didn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
I like the simple things in life. Men.
My other car is up my nose.
I brake for tailgaters.
Everyone has to believe in something. I believe I'll have
Child on board.
Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog,
Save the humans.
Frogs have it made. They eat what bugs them.
Teddy bear on board.
My other car is a motorcycle.
Radio people do it with frequency.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Caution: I know karati. And seven other Chinese words.
Green light: go. Red light: stop. Yellow light: go real fast.
Next time you feel perfect, try walking on water.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Aliveness comes from within.
Turn it over.
If you can't stop, smile as you go down.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Try it. You'll like it.
If you're going to smoke, please tell me where to send the ashes.
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
Hug your kids at home and belt them in the car.
The penguins are back.
Powered by pineapples.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
People who think they have it together really irritate those
of us who do.
I've done so much for so long with so little that I can now do
anything with nothing.
My other car is a hang glider.
Enough is enough.
Go for it.
I'd rather eat barbed wire than listen to disco.
Contractors are the chains. Bidders are the links. The lowest
bidder is the weakest link.
I'm fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet.
Have you tugged your kite today?
186,000 miles a second. It's not just a good idea. Its the law.
If you're walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Don't steal from the government. They don't like competition.
Einstein was born at home.
Wars don't show who's right, only who's left.
Child in trunk.
Guilt without sex.
Nobody for president.
Who cares who's on board.
A day without sex is like a day without sunshine.
Ex-husband in trunk.
I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
Nobody on board.
Caution: I drive like you do.
I brake for fungus.
Bureaucracy: the science of turning energy into solid matter.
Virgo on board.
Minds, like parachutes, only work when they're open.
I brake for the hell of it.
Alien on board.
Seen on a Mercedez: "My other car is a Pinto."
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Generic bumper sticker.
Candy is dandy, but sex doesn't rot your teeth.
Stop organized crime. Destroy the IRS.
You're the kind of person I could fall madly in bed with.
Jesus saves. Moses invests. Rajneesh spends.
Chocolate on board.
Birth is fatal.
I brake for truffles.
COLLECTED IN 1987
I gave up sex and drugs, and it was the worst ten minutes of
It's all been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Many, many worlds I've seen since I first left home.
If it weren' for women, business would be my only source
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
Stay healthy. Eat your honey.
I AM dancing.
A bachelor is someone who comes to work from a different
direction every day.
Illiterate? Call 1-800-256-8100.
Invest in taxes. They're bound to go up.
My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
Just say yes.
Honk if you're above par.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill
There's nothing wrong with sex on TV, as long as you don't
Well, Toto, we're not in Kanses anymore.
I'm not a cowboy. I just found the hat.
Divorce: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Proudly serving my corporate masters.
I'm a quality person with no direction and no focus.
Come back after I've had a few beers.
My wife ran off with a tractor salesman, and I got a
John Deere letter.
They think I'm one of them.
My place or right here?
Rebel without applause.
Tithe if you love Jesus. Anyone can honk.
I can handle any crisis. I have kids.
I finally get my head together, and my ass falls apart.
Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Earth: love it or lose it.
Give me head till I'm dead.
You deserve the best. I'm yours.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Yield. It's more fun.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I'm a virgin. (This is an old bumpersticker.)
You're perverted, twisted and sick. I like that in a person.
No, just breathing hard.
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
Get a complete metaphysical.
COLLECTED IN 1988
Eat, drink and remarry.
Paying off my Mastercard with Visa.
Urban attack vehicle.
Chessplayers mate better.
I love my parachute.
Not an exit.
Confront the prevailing paradigm.
Invisible driver on board.
Deadheads never fall. They just keep on tripping.
I brake for whales.
Reality-- what a concept!
I feel great. I kiss good, too.
If I weren't crazy, life would drive me insane.
Data, data, everywhere, and not a thought to think.
Indians had bad immigration laws.
I brake for orgasms.
I can't be overdrawn. I still have checks left.
I hate bumperstickers.
Hire a teenager, while they still know everything.
I'd have been a founding member of the Procrastinator's Club,
if I'd gotten my application in.
Mass confusion on board.
U.S. out of Humbolt County.
I'll never say "never again" again.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you expect it to.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
When you aren't looking at it, this is in Spanish.
Sex is only dirty if it's done right.
Caution: child driving.
Pass quietly. Driver asleep.
I'm catching up with yesterday. By tomorrow I should be ready
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
I love my attitude problem.
Give up sex. I'll help you taper off.
Life is a series of interruptions.
Support mental health. Ban psychiatry.
I can't believe I forgot to have kids.
I'm a musician. I can handel it.
She who dies with the most fabric wins.
Grateful not to be Dead.
Remember when sex was safe and sky-diving was dangerous?
Men are only good for one thing, but how often do you need to
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains
I fight poverty. I work.
End Contra aid. Boycott cocaine.
Have you hugged your cat today?
Don't quit. Surrender.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Have you hugged your horse today?
Space is for deadheads, not warheads.
Don't bother me. I'm having a crisis.
Bush and Noriega.
Peace, pot and microdot.
Another day, another 62 cents.
Just say Ho, Ho, Ho.
COLLECTED IN 1989
Beam me up, Scottie. There's no intelligent life down here.
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
The future isn't what it used to be.
Love your enemies. It'll drive them nuts.
If it's white and slippery, ski on it.
I love my wife.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all the time, but you can't fool Mom.
If God meant me to cook, why'd He invent restaurants?
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Love is being stupid together and not caring.
The trouble with the ratrace is that even if you win, you're
still a rat.
Reality is the leading cause of stress among those who are in
touch with it.
What you don't know won't hurt you, only you won't know it.
There's no cure for birth and death but to enjoy the interval.
Fashion can be bought. Style one must possess.
Another Mormon on drugs.
In search of the eternal buzz.
Friends don't let friends drive Fords.
Life's a shit sandwich. If you have more bread, you eat less shit.
Skateboarding is not a crime.
A bell is a cup till it's struck.
By the time your kids are fit to live with, they're living with
Fun is the most important discipline of all.
I got lei'd in Hawaii.
Robin Hood was right.
I'm still chasing women, but I no longer remember why.
End discrimination. Hate everyone.
Just say more.
I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow.
Having wonderful wish. Time you were here.
Use contraception. The unborn will bless you.
Virtue can hurt you.
Heaven for bliss. Hell for blisters.
Help stamp out philately.
Never lend money. It gives people amnesia.
Eliminate government waste, no matter what it costs.
Improve prisons. Send a better class of people there.
As soon as we find out ignorance is bliss, it isn't.
Sometimes all the early bird gets is up.
It's a wise child who knows less than his father.
Remember the first time you had sex? Isn't it a shame you
Real kids don't eat spinach.
Honk if you're carrying Steve Garby's baby.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to
I'm firm-willed, you're stubborn, he's pig-headed.
It takes two to make a quarrel, and three to make it
Money doesn't buy happiness. The man with twenty million
is no happier than the one with nineteen.
Nuke the gay whales.
If there's no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
Be kind to your mind.
Alan Thicke for president.
If I can't take it with me, I'm not going.
A kinder and gentler police state.
I brake for porkrinds.
It's hard to avoid feeling grateful, but I manage.
Sometimes you're the pigeon. Sometimes you're the statue.
Gorby for president.
Denial is not a river in Africa.
Rahabilitate the military.
Love is fab.
I used to want to save the world. Now I just want to leave
the room with a little dignity.
There they go, and I must hurry after them, for I am
Alaskan malamute on board.
This ain't heaven or hell, but you can see them both from here.
Jogging causes nymphomania.
I gave him the best weeks of my life.
I hate bumperstickers.
Just say no to television.
FEAR: Forgetting Everything's All Right.
More love, less attitude.
0 to 60 in fifteen minutes.
There's no blame. Only guilt.
SOUL: Source Of Undying Love.
Every day is Auschwitz for animals.
S&M means never having to say you're sorry.
Eat cheese or die.
Mondays should be outlawed.
I know Jack Shit.
When I die I'm going to the mall.
Life is an opportunity to praise God.
Nature bats last.
Save the rainforests.
COLLECTED IN 1990
U.S. out of North America.
There must be an easier way, but finding it is so hard.
Sex drive: what starts in adolescence and ends in marriage.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Women hold up half the sky.
Treat her like a thoroughbred, and she won't act like a nag.
Do not wash this car. It's undergoing a scientific dirt test.
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I may be old, but I can still get hot.
I am a living, breathing Oregonism.
Aliens have possessed my children.
Don't talk about yourself. We'll do that after you're gone.
Life is what happens when you can't get to sleep.
Visualize nuclear holocaust.
My matatu is fantastic.
Animals are kind to dumb people.
Ex-wife for sale. Just take over the payments.
My credit is so bad they won't even take my cash.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Lifestyles of the poor and unknown.
I brake for penguins.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Don't laugh. Your daughter may be in this car.
Poo poo occurs.
Sex cures headaches.
Lead me not into temptation, for I'll find it myself.
Don't start with me. You know how I get.
I own hell. My boss just gave it to me.
Be kind to animals, or I'll bite you.
Life, limb and property are no longer safe when the legislature
is in session.
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I can't be fired. Slaves have to be sold.
My other car is a spaceship.
I can do without the necessities. It's the luxuries I miss.
My limo is in the shop.
My son and all my money go to the University of Colorado.
Elvis is dead, but at least he isn't gaining any more weight.
I'd rather be going 500 M.P.H.
Write women back into history.
Against abortion? Don't have one.
I'm only stubborn when I don't get my way.
Go for Baroque.
Is this life, or what?
Libraries will get you through times of no money better than
money will get you through times of no libraries.
Teenagers: can't live with them, can't kill them.
Recycle or die.
Once you're born, the worst has already happened.
I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
George, you promised.... No new taxes.
Just do do.
Peace through music.
I brake for the blues.
If a hammer's your only tool, all problems look like nails.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
God wrote it. I believe it. That settles it. (In Arabic-
This is illegal.
I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.
My shrink didn't think I was crazy till I paid him.
I got off drugs. Now I'm square and goofy.
We came, we saw, we did a little shopping.
The sky is falling. Film at eleven.
Who are the grateful dead, and why do they keep following me?
Lost and spaced.
Beat the system. Unplug the computer.
The only thing that lasts is death.
I'd rather be doing nothing.
Visualize world peace. I did, and look what happened.
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Fundamentalism is mind-death.
My wife said if I go fishing one more time, she's going to
leave me. God, I'm going to miss her!
Wavy Gravy for City Council.
I'm not a slob. I'm organizationally challenged.
I brake for milk jugs.
To be is to do. --Socrates
To do is to be. --Plato
Do be do be do. --Sinatra
It makes a day so long when you get to work on time.
Know your enemies. They are your leaders.
If you're going through hell, don't stop.
Have a nice forever.
U.S. troops out of the Middle East.
I used to do my hair with jumper cables, but now I use
spray paint and pliers.
My life is controlled by invisible cows.
Just say nothing.
It's hard being Hitler and Christ at the same time.
A tisket, a tasket, a condom or a casket.
Don't worry. Get angry.
Be kind to an animal. Kiss a rugby player.
The forests do not owe the timber industry a living.
This life is a test. It is only a test. If it had been a
real life, you'd have received further instructions.
It ain't over till Milli Vanilli sings.
I tried to get in touch with my feelings, but I kept getting
my answering machine.
At least I'm smarter than Dan Quayle.
Don't expect much. I was raised on TV.
Using Hunter S. Thompson as a role model.
Caution: over 40. No loud noises or sudden moves.
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
I can't cope with pastel colors.
"We're the greatest planet on Earth." Dan Quayle
Talk's cheap till you hire a lawyer.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards
and in high heels.
Rebel without portfolio.
COLLECTED IN 1991
I never made a mistake. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Mickey Mouse got a Dan Quayle watch for his birthday.
Don't panic. But organic.
Plant a tree.
I want a Lambadamy.
San Andreas: it's our fault.
No blood for oil.
Are you willing to die for Exxon?
If the Iraqis won't see the light, nuke 'em till they glow.
This car explodes on contact.
I love my home brew.
LOVE: Life Offers Valuable Experience.
I never met a millionaire I didn't like.
Support your local firefighters. Build with concrete.
I'd rather be curling.
A woman's place is everywhere.
If I can't find true love, I'll settle for lots of money.
Sadam, kiss my gas.
Look out! I just turned 16.
Visualize a thriving defense industry.
If guns aren't outlawed, my in-laws will have guns.
My other car is a lot like this one.
Honk if you love noise.
I'd rather be destroying the ozone layer-- oops, I already am.
I hate your dog.
Just stop it.
Only elephants should wear ivory.
I'm never lost. Everyone tells me where to go.
Praise the Goddess, and pass the petition.
Conan the Librarian.
Catch a train to reality.
American wilderness: love it or leave it alone.
Attitude makes the difference.
If there's a will, I want to be in it.
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.
Congressional corruption: a renewable resource.
Cast your bread upon the waters. Even sharks got to live.
I spent most of my money on beer and women. The rest I wasted.
Make my Earth Day.
I sold drugs to Dan Quayle.
Life's a broken cookie.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men only need a place.
Your home is under your hat.
Hell hath no pizza.
Business before indictment.
The bigger they are, the more likely they're fake.
Save the rainforests. 30 billion insects can't be wrong.
I dreamed I had insomnia.
Armed and looking for God.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
What do I save for a rainy day if the best things in life
Never let anything mechanical know you're in a hurry.
I've seen God too many times to believe in Him.
An over-sexed person is just more prone.
Ron Reagan for president.
Know your enema.
I know I'm going to heaven, cuz I've spent my time in hell.
An ounce of prevention comes in packs of threes.
The revolution will not be televized.
You're beautiful and I'm broke, but you'll get old and I'll
To get ahead you've got to think the worst.
George Bush was born on third base, and always thought he'd
hit a triple.
It's easy to tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell him much.
My dream is to someday make enough money to live the way
my kids do.
Don't panic. There's always welfare.
The rooster crows, but the hen delivers.
Scuba is the only sport where you can get swallowed whole.
Anita Hill for president.
Peace through impeachment.
Stretch your mind, and it'll never go back.
You're so sexy when you're territorial.
Freedom of the press is alive at the U.S. mint.
Why did kamikazi pilots wear helmets?
He who lives by the sword gets flooded less than he who
lives by the river.
David Duke is A-O-KKK.
Life begins when you start minding your own business.
Get a real job. Be a housewife.
The big things don't worry me, cuz I don't have the little
things figured out.
FART: Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.
If Mother Earth dies, there will be no orphans left to
I hate to beg when sex isn't involved.
Hard work pays off in the end. Laziness pays off now.
Save a planet. Kill a car.
We're professionals. Don't try this at home.
COLLECTED IN 1992
Just say no to war.
Silence is the voice of complicity.
Pot is a weed. Bush is a dope.
Pray for me. I drive on U.S. 19.
It takes a fool to chase one.
Stop solar power. Mutants for a nuclear society. Village
idiots for a toxic environment.
Women should come with instructions.
Truth is stranger than fishing.
It's not over till the fat man melts.
Keep your humor dry.
Oh, look. Godot is here.
Don't tell people your problems. 20% don't care, and the
other 80% are glad.
Help! I've tripped and I can't get down.
Wimp, and proud of it.
It's not downhill after 40. It's more like a bobsled to hell.
National Elvis Day.
If dogs sweat with their tongues, what are their armpits for?
Having twins is God's way of saying, "You'll never
Go to heck.
Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.
Wolves, not cows.
Stumps don't lie.
Fast, cheap, good. Pick any two.
The beatings will continue till morale improves.
Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Beware the ice of March.
It's better to have loved and lost than to have fought and lost.
Kill the lawyers first.
Read my lips: no new promises.
Housewives do it for free.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.
The fat lady sang.
L.A. is the gang capitol of the world: the Bloods, the Crips,
It doesn't take a very big oven to produce a half-baked idea.
My wife's a perfect 10: a 4 who looks real good after a
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, but only
way off to the side.
I'm for foreign aid, and the sooner we get it the better.
Unscented perfume comes in empty bottles.
I don't need help. I just need more credit.
I'm having deja vu all over again.
I don't care what you say. Just mention my name.
My husband doesn't have stress, but he's a carrier.
I want it all, but I'd settle for some.
5 out of 4 Americans have trouble with subtraction.
I'm not drinking again. I never stopped.
If you aren't content with what you have, be thankful for
what you've escaped.
Just did it.
The more I learn about men, the more I like my dog.
Honk if I'm on fire.
I'm a man of vision: 20/100.
Any kind of growth really irritates me.
You're not going to heaven. There's a dress code.
Twinkies: be all you can weigh.
Give eggs a break.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
The only gun control is hitting what you aim at.
People say I'm crazy, but out there Hussein?
Raised by humans.
I've seen the future, and I can't afford it.
Guns don't kill people. Holes kill people.
Happiness is coming!
The most violent element in society is ignorance.
Do not go gentle into that good night. Go armed.
Why does a woman have a pair of panties and just one bra?
Vote Republican. It's easier than thinking.
God loves the Blazers.
Run Ross, Run!
You gotta have art.
I don't believe in casual sex. I always try as hard as
Why does God's work cost so much? The devil does his
Vote for Jesus.
Anything worth knowing can't be taught in a classroom.
Da feat da Bulls!
There's no limit to the good we could do if it weren't for
the fear of being shot.
Life is horrible, and far too short.
If you're going to hell, it helps to know the language.
To air is human, to glide divine.
Bush was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
Out of the closet, but not into the cabinet.
Jesus is coming, in October 1992.
Bowlers are steroid-free.
There's a fine line between gardening and madness.
I love chaos.
John Gotti goes to the only high school in America where
none of the students have guns.
It doesn't take a fool to see what's going on here,
but I do.
Just say noe.
The devil's in the details.
Protected by sealant.
I'd go water-skiing if I could find a downhill lake.
Inhalers for Clinton. 52
Riker and Picard in '92. Make it so.
I read Indoorsman Magazine.
No matter how nasty I am, remember I'm holding back.
Nein on 9.
My karma ran over my dogma.
I love EVA.
Straight but not narrow. Vote no on 9.
That's not a bald spot. I'm solar powered.
Al Gore is an old person's idea of a young person.
Love they neighbors. Don't eat them.
I need remedial kareoke.
If a fool and his money are soon parted, how did they get
together in the first place?
My humility is one of the things that makes me great.
Kiss my tattoo.
Sincerity is the secret. When you can fake that, you've got
Born to bunjee!
Perot is a hand grenade with a bad haircut.
Nebraska is proof hell is full.
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different
Just be sleazy.
Read my lips. No new taxis.
Homos are sapiens too.
I never get lost. I change where I want to go.
Annoy the media. Re-elect President Bush.
The Penguins kick ice.
Bye, bye, Bush.
Stop nukey pooh-pooh.
Robin Hood for president.
There's no fortress so strong money can't take it.
The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.
Hillary for first lady.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's where you go after
Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for.
Imagine your ad here.
Really annoy the media: Quayle-Limbaugh '96.
Money isn't everything, unless it's yours.
Hell without the free heat.
When you unzip a man's pants, his brains fall out.
Truth is found by the few.
Whipped, and proud of it.
A lawyer's work is never done. He sees to that.
If there were one wrong way to hook up my VCR, I'd have
found it on the first try.
Cat lovers against the bomb.
Nobody will leave you alone till you want company.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If there's no alternative, there's no problem.
Never believe anything till it's officially denied.
I came. I saw. I refinanced.
Wait, there's a harder way.
Hell is where you go after you die, and all the ideas you ever
forgot come back to you.
There's a fine line between pessimism and realism.
It's always rush hour.
If we can't fix it, it ain't busted.
Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right.
Time flies when you're under indictment.
Never give a bad check to a locksmith.
I brake for snakes.
Crack kills. Pot giggles.
We don't need change. We need tens and twenties.
Blacks and whites need each other. We're the only ones left
who speak english.
I'm a natural slob.
Don't eat the seed corn.
There's a name for Democrats with money: Republicans.
Wild women don't get the blues.
If God had wanted us to vote, He'd have given us candidates.
The truth will ouch.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
like an idiot.
I make mistakes. I'm the second to admit it.
Everything is interesting. Only a couple are important.