10 COMMON FORMS OF DEFENSIVENESS that backfire.
The general cure is taking charge (the opposite of taking control),
and the general counter measure is being real.
The 10 most common forms of abuse are:
1) abandonment (punishment for existing) causes pleasing
2) rejection (punishment for having needs) causes helplessness
3) contempt (punishment for ignorance) causes magical thinking
4) sarcasm (punishment for mistakes) causes worry
5) shaming (punishment for innocence) causes hiding
6) deprivation (punishment for hope) causes enduring
7) criticism (punishment for failures) causes selfishness
8) betrayal (punishment for trust) causes suspicion
9) control (punishment for independence) causes anger
10) melodrama (punishment for being real) causes melodrama
The 10 most common forms of defensivness that don't work are:
A) [joy related] Using manipulation to get help from others (rather than asking for it openly):
1) pleasing others
2) helplessness
B) [fear related] Trying to control the universe (rather than oneself):
3) magical thinking
4) worry
C) [sadness related] Withdrawing from others (rather than using self defense):
5) hiding
6) enduring
7) selfishness
D) [anger related] Trying to control others (rather than using assertiveness):
8) suspicion
9) anger
10) melodrama
More detail:
1) Pleasing others defends against abandonment (punishment for existing), loneliness, isolation, and lack of belonging.
What to do instead: Managing my needs means being aware of what I want and need, and taking action to get my needs met. Usually that means asking for what I want and being direct, and sometimes saying no to what I don't want. Nobody gets all their needs met all the time, but it's doable to get most of them met, most of the time. Sometimes in the course of being direct one gets attacked and needs self defense skills.
Counter measure: "Please ask for what you want, and claim your own rights and freedom."
Personality disorder: Dependant
Prevalence: 4% of Americans have the full-blown personality disorder, men and women do it equally
2) Frantic helplessness defends against rejection (punishment for having needs).
What to do instead: Becoming blameless means knowing it wasn't my fault, and I'll be OK even when I'm alone. It means doing self care, which includes arranging support and love for myself. It includes being able to let go, and to rejuvenate. It means looking for friends and lovers, and asking for what I want when I find them. It means taking charge of my needs and my life. It means humor, resilience, and no self pity.
Counter measure: "Please remember that you're strong and competent."
Personality disorder: Borderline
Prevalence: 2%, more frequent in women by 3 to 1
3) Magical thinking defends against helplessness and contempt (punishment for ignorance).
What to do instead: Being realistic means acting out of strategy rather than out of emotion, and basing your strategy on what's been demonstrated or can be demonstrated. It means taking action, being direct and assertive. It means expecting deceitfulness and using self defense cheerfully.
Counter measure: Ask for demonstrable thinking, and results.
Personality disorder: Schizotypal
Prevalence: 3%, more frequent in men by 3 to 1
4) Worry and perfectionism defend against sarcasm (punishment for mistakes).
What to do instead: Planning for mistakes means accepting that everyone makes mistakes, and they're steps to success. It means guessing that mistakes will happen all the time. They're not fatal, and in fact they are how we learn, so they're actually good things. It means not feeling guilty or ashamed or worthless when you make a mistake, and in fact feeling free to make mistakes aplenty as you make your way through this wonderful life.
Counter measure: "Please focus on one worry at a time, think it through, decide and move on."
Personality disorder: Obsessive compulsive
Prevalence: 1%, more frequent in men by 2 to 1
5) Hiding & avoidance defend against shaming and humiliation (punishment for innocence).
What to do instead: Becoming shameless means stopping blame of self or others, taking some physical martial arts training to become grounded, using assertiveness and self defense to make your personal world safe, expecting shaming by others and responding with self defense and humor.
Counter measure: Be safe by being blame-free, and invite them to come out and play.
Personality disorder: Avoidance
Prevalence: .75%, equal in men and women
6) Enduring, settling, and indifference defend against deprivation (punishment for hope), drudgery, boredom, and absence of caretaking.
What to do instead: Detachment is the opposite of indifference. It means acceptance of loss, and a self worth that's stable through any loss. It means healthy grieving, and emerging from grief. It means standing up for yourself, for your rights to exist and to fulfil your needs. It means not settling for unhappiness, or less than you want. It means hope and perseverence.
Counter measure: Instill hope, and teach them skills (grieving, self care, defense, hope).
Personality disorder: Schizoid
Prevalence: .5%, more frequent in men by 2 to 1
7) Selfishness defends against criticism (punishment for failure).
What to do instead: Using failures means regarding them as steps to success, and accepting that everyone needs help at times. It means being honorable while expecting deceit and being ready for it with self defense skills. It means managing your needs with humor, and unimportance in the warrior sense: humility. It means empathy and compassion.
Counter measure: "It's in your best interest to practice win-win."
Personality disorder: Narcissistic
Prevalence: .5%, more frequent in men by 2 to 1
8) Suspicion defends against betrayals and double binds (punishment for trust).
What to do instead: Defense against betrayal means reasonable suspicion, and self defense skills. It means relaxed alertness, the ability to switch in and out of warrior mode in a split second, and nonviolent but effective self defense. It means unimportance in the sense of not taking an attack personally, and having |
